Sadly, I lived to tell about it. It turns out Europe is pretty nice, except for the jet lag, communication barrior, and smelly Arabs. The highlight of my trip was drinking 4 bottles of wine and 5 beers in Aviano, Italy, by myself, while my sister was saving the world. I also had the opportunity to view "Hackers" for the first time. I figured since the situation was already pretty shitty, I might as well have another reason to hate Mattew Lillitard. That guy is a fucking tool. Do you realize how pathetic your life is when you're getting shitfaced and watching "Hackers" IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING ITALY! There were a thousand things I could have been doing had my sister not been at work. But no, the ever present diety named God decided to toss some more shit in my direction in the form of boredom, Italian wine and Matthew Lillitard. Fucking christ.

While there, I visited Rome, Zurich, Paris, Frankfurt, and London. Rome was alright but too fucking touristy. That may sound odd, but it's true. I fucking hated being in that goddamn tour bus, looking like a fucking moron with the fucking little headphones jammed in my ears. And the traffic is fucking retarded. I swear to god these fucking morons were born with three brain cells in their fucking heads. No wonder we're the fucking power of the world; our opponents are fucking monkey's. We went to the Vatican, which was a mistake. It was cool to go to the smallest country in the world but it fucking sucked ass taking the tour of the Sistine chapel. For the first ten minutes it was fine but people just fucking crawled through the place. The tour lasted 2 and a half fucking hours! The only thing that made it tolerable were two Americans behind us. We spent most of the tour making fun of the stupid Europeans. The Sistine Chapel was alright for two seconds. I figured out why they make textbooks: because you'll break your fucking neck trying to see the "works of art." Some of the shit in there I could have painted on the shitter blindfolded with my big toe. You also don't have to deal with tourists. I fucking hate tourists. This was also the first place we dined on Chinese food. Why did we eat Chinese food everywere? I don't know.

Next we went to Zurich on the overnight train. The stewardess was a fox and her lack of English skills made me want her more. I could just imagine her at my house in Fargo, yelling at me, nude, in some nonsense language, but since I wouldn't be able to understand her, I would point to stove. She would take that as a cue to bake me a pie. But aside from that vaguely mastabatory thought, it was really cute watching her try out her English skills on us. The ride there was fucking gorgeous; large, rocky mountains that scaled higher than our view would allow; nude women frollicking across snow covered fields, beckoning me towards them; quaint (for lack of a less gayer word) houses dotting the countryside. Switzerland was really gorgeous. Zurich was a nice city, but we only were going to be there for one day. We walked around the town and ate in our second Chinese resturant. It was fucking expensive. I think I spent like 35 fucking euros on that fucking meal and I didn't even have any fucking beer. Goddamn gold diggers.

Next we went to Paris. I fucking hate stairs. The Arc De Triumphphphph had like 225 stairs to the top and that fucking blew. The walk down was even worse because all the stairs started looking the same and I almost biffed it. Fucking French. On the way out we encountered the Chinese mafia. A Chinese couple asked us to buy them a handbag at some store and I didn't see any problem with it so I said sure. My sister was pissed off because she hates Chinese people. Actually, she smelled a rat. I, in my naive ND wisdom, didn't see anything wrong. We went into this trendy, gay, purse store and it looked like it was a fucking haven for Chinese people. It was like flys on shit. So I pointed out what I was sent in to buy and the lady looked at us and explained that the money we had on us was from the Chinese mafia and to go and give it back. This pissed Meg off so we did and she stewed for the next hour. I finally yelled at her and told her it's not liked they asked us to buy a fucking gun; it was a fucking handbag. By then we were at the Eiffel Tower. What pisses me off almost more than Mattew Lillitard are the fucking Arabs trying to sell you stupid little Eiffel Tower trinkets and post cards and plastic flying birds and shit like that. So we had to run that fucking gauntlet just to get to the tower. I had the last laugh, though, when a fight erupted amongst the large group of Arabs. I couldn't tell what was going on because they all had on those stupid umbrella hats they were trying to sell and there were plastic birds whizzing overhead like planes over Bagdhad. Anyway, the fight didn't last too long because they would have lost their privalge to sell there and since they had one green card between 40, they would have deported back to their war torn country. The French were actually probably the politest people we ran across, which surprised me. We also ate at our third Chinese resturant in Paris.

We then took the overnight train to Frankfurt. This time we had to share a cabin with two dirty, stinky, drunk, Arabs. Most time, it probably would have been pretty funny to be in there, but due to the fact we had slept for about two hours since we embarked a couple days before, it wasn't. Coupled with the fact Meg hates Arabs, it was a bad scene. Actually, Meg, doesn't hate Arabs; just meat eaters. Anyway, we left and ended up spending the night in a cabin with some chick from Amsterdam. Sleeping on trains sucks.

Frankfurt blew because we just hung out at the airport. Plus in was in Germany. And Meg hates Germans.

From there we flew to London. We were so fucking tired from being on the go that shit didn't sink in. We took the obligatory tour on the bus but cut it short because we were fucking bushed. We got our tourist pictures then headed back to the hotel room and spent much of our stay in London watching the war coverage. We ate Pizza hut. How fucking pathetic is it when someone goes to Europe and they eat fucking pizza from America? Fucking christ. I am one pathetic bastard.

So then we went back to Italy, Meg went back to saving the world, and I went back to the US. The only thing of note on the return trip was there was a hot black stewardess so I kept my Toni Morrison novel in play view. She noticed and then she took me into the bathroom and screwed my brains out. Actually, I just took advantage of the free booze and sat through "I Spy." What a fucking shitty movie. At least it didn't have Matthew Lillitard in it. Fucking shithead.